Shrena’s ‘Tomorrow/Yesterday’

Written by Shrena D’Souza (@shrenathesnitch)

I haven’t had the best year. You probably haven’t either. Maybe yours wasn’t all that bad. Maybe you are one of those who doesn’t necessarily believe that “the year” brought this crap our way. But maybe you, like me, are hopeful, and believe that perhaps the end of this year could after all mark the closure of a period of precariousness. Who’s to say?

By now, with half the year gone by, I think we’ve lost the strangest things, things you actually believed you had under control, just catching you and me off guard. Maybe this little write-up is just getting too personal. But you see, Bob Marley said a little thing, “You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”. And you see I have a bias towards this man, for reasons that could be inappropriate to mention here. But I can’t help but hold onto this. Fucking Virgo optimism, perhaps.

I’ve had so much time on hand the past few months and I’ve spent so much of it thinking, nostalgia that comes with uncertainty, having my heart just feel so full because I found a new band I absolutely love, pensiveness that surfaces with loss, the weirdest sense of comfort that comes with being home which I thought had run its course for me which just makes this feel like a blessing. You probably don’t know me, this could quite possibly be the first time you read something I’ve written. So I’ve tried to think of this and do it the least ‘pseudo’ way I could, so you have a little more faith. It can keep you going. This way or another, you’re here, listening, and so I’d like for you to keep going.

This year has brought to light how crap people can be, how kind people can be, and we’ve worked through it with a more accentuated sense of consciousness. And it is interesting because our ideas and points of view and just our stance on things big and small, have all had a little mixing up. Not much is like what it was yesterday. And so now that I’m writing this, I write it with an altered state of mind, but not one that tells me my priorities were all wrong and have this entire intervention where you’re supposed to care about the bigger things and let go of the little ones. Because I hate that whole shebang, you can’t make a person regret or feel bad about what they cared about. It’s more about accepting how things make you feel, emotions you’re almost forced to have to deal with at times or just exhaustion that comes with a feeling similar to a sense of inability to cope. It could also be a fear of impending doom every time things go too well, like it all must come crashing down now.

But you know, that’s where the concept of yesterday and tomorrow become interesting. They’re both just thoughts. And so stands as a liberating truth where your yesterday is a memory, just a thought in the present, the future, a similar act of anticipation you do in the present. And so were spending most of our lives in this horrible state of wanting to be happy in the future instead of finding fulfillment in where we are this very moment. So replaying this almost YOLO theory in your head just gives you this boost you know, gets you your 1st January rejuvenation right there, where your tomorrow doesn’t have to be tainted by your yesterday. This shit worked for me man, my mum says I have better posture now so haha, fun.

All I want to tell you is I know this hasn’t been an easy one on you but all you need to do is focus on what’s between your yesterday and your tomorrow. You do this and the rest will follow. Little steps, one day at a time, all those phrases you know, as long as they’re taking you forward.

#personalessay